Your serious question deserves a serious answer. I believe…
You, like everyone else, are a human being with animal needs, desires, and instincts you did not choose and you cannot do otherwise than freely make choices in thought and deed in the absence of any certainty of anything other than your own existence.
I also believe that Man finds himself in a broken creation of which he is a part. No one can know with absolute certainty that the world is not actually (?) absurd or that the senses do not fully deceive, or that reason in anyway yields true knowledge. I further believe that the human heart cries out for something, anything, that could resolve this brokenness. We long for hope and assurance that our existence is not a vain exercise of ignorance and whim, i.e. “sound and fury signifying nothing”. Seeing that state of despair, I believe, God comes to every man and woman and, in a soft still voice, speaks the words, “Here I am.” To hear that invitation from within and to trust it, is, and always be, a leap of faith.
Personally, I have adopted the foundational beliefs that the world has an intelligible order, that sensory evidence is generally reliable and self-correcting, and that human reason is effective. I have also chosen to accept my innate sense that there is a Divine reality. None of the above beliefs are rational, in the sense that there is no rational reason to trust either reason or instinct. However, these beliefs are self-consistent and mutually supportive in a way that rejecting all or some of those foundational beliefs cannot be. As such I consider my stance reasonable despite the ultimate irrationality of all beliefs.
With all that said, I would say to you that your state of non-belief, while no less justifiable than my state of belief, is still not a good place to be. I say this speaking from personal experience and having listened to the testimony of great minds who also struggled with this “dark night of the soul.” Nor do I think cultures that fail, either explicitly or tacitly, to avoid nihilistic tendencies can long endure. This is the Gospel message: that we are broken personally and as a race, incapable of overcoming the human condition by our own power, and wholly dependent on Grace to deliver from despair those who freely choose to follow Him.
That IS the main issue because everything else follows from it, including concerns those of someone finding himself with desires he did not choose. Isn’t that the human condition? Is there anyone who finds himself or herself without unchoosen thoughts, feelings, and desires and wondering whether or not embrace or reject them or even celebrate them? By what criteria does one make such determinations? The first question to ask is not whether particular lifestyle choices are right and proper; but rather, do they follow from what one truly believes, i.e. the freely adopted stances by which one has chosen to live his or her life?
So to directly answer your question, I believe you are my existential equal and fellow traveler though life. As a Child of God, you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. At the same time, I believe that you, like me, like every human that is, was, or ever will be, is broken in exactly the way I described above, finding ourselves, facing unavoidable choices that are sometimes very difficult one, such as those between bad and worse OR with nearly infinite unknowns OR have potentially highly desirable outcomes and are just plain hard to do.
Nevertheless and because of my foundational beliefs, I am led to conclude that while many of those desires are right and proper for human beings to embrace, others are to be rejected and overcome. I too have desires that are oddly compelling, nearly irresistible, and seem to be very much a part of who I am. But I alone decide if I will let them define me and whether or not I will build my identity around them.
And here is a critical point that needs to be fully understood. I do not judge any human being as existentially inferior to me nor do I believe that by embracing the foundational beliefs I have make me superior to anyone in any way. It is the Lord, and He alone, who judges. However, I do not avoid comparing my life and the lives of those around me, with the Christian principles that follow from the those foundational beliefs, beliefs I consider necessary to hold in order to avoid nihilism, enjoy abundant life and promote a noble culture and positive civil society.
